Blowing Off Steam

So when I first started blogging it was out of curiosity. Then I started following other people's amazing blogs and I wanted to become one of those much loved and much followed blogs. I revamped my blog, trying to make it more interesting, trying to make it more focused. I set goals. I carried out those goals for about three months. I lost my enthusiasm.

One blog, of more known acquaintance, that I was following really took off. I followed it because it was a girl that one of my crazy ex boyfriends finally left me to pursue. Since he was crazy and she was fresh out of high school I felt that I should befriend her to save her from the crazy man. She appreciated my efforts and a strange connection was formed between the two of us. When I finally met her in real life I felt like I was given the brush off. She was dating her future husband and our interests were perhaps to different. Although I really didn't mind that we didn't end of being friends, even after our experiences of fending of a crazy man, so I only kept light tabs on her through Facebook and her blog.However, I started to become jealous of her success.

Perhaps some of that jealousy stemmed from my crazy ex leaving me to pursue her. I didn't care that he left me as I had tried ending things several times before, but let's be honest, even though I was glad to be rid of the bugger it always stinks when it's because another girl came along that he thought was prettier and more intriguing. Anyways, I tried not to let that bug me, but it planted feelings of being second rate next to that girl, even when I tried to be her friend. She is very beautiful and talented. When she got married before me, again I felt second rate. When her blog took off, again, I felt second rate. Why do I have this mad desire to compete with this woman?!? She and I are very different. Fashion is important to her. Me, I love dressing up and looking cute, but I don't feel the need to take photos of my outfits and post them on my blog. It appears that she feels clothes make the person, and I don't think clothes make the person. The more I read her blog the more frustrated I became. I hated how inferior her blog made me feel. She posts about clothes and her life with her husband. I am completely happy in my own marriage now so I don't feel jealous of her relationship with her husband. I guess I'm jealous of her success and popularity. Those feelings of jealousy only make me feel petty and silly for being bothered by it. I quit following her blog because I didn't like how I felt after reading it (It wasn't anything she wrote, it was just my own personal bitterness.) I haven't read her blog for a couple of months.

Today I was looking over a friend's blog and I saw a link to that blog that I don't follow anymore. I decided to take a peek. I wish I hadn't. Today I learned that after a year of trying to get pregnant, she is finally going to have a baby. I should be happy for her, right? However it only made me feel inferior once again. Why? Because it's been a longer span of trying, without any results, for me. Why am I upset? Because I have finally had several months where I had accepted that it will be on the Lord's time and not mine. I'd found things to do that have distracted me from the heartache. I picked up an extra teaching endorsement, I started learning the violin, and I've found my dream job teaching theatre at a brand new charter high school. I have been cheered on by family members and friends for pursuing my dreams. My husband and I take crazy road trips and day trips. We do things a person could up and go do with a baby. I had made leaps and bounds of emotional progress, but seeing that blog crushed me once again. I don't want to be envious of this girl. I don't want to harbor bitter feelings. I want to tell her how I feel, but I don't want to hurt her feelings. She really is a good person.

Thanks for a place to vent my blogging friends. I am still really excited about my future and my new teaching job. I'm excited to be moving in a couple of months and starting a new adventure. Although my adventures are not the same as that girl's may be, I need to remind myself that my adventures are my own. They are as grand and as lovely as I make them. I need not compare them with others. I am my own person with my own "style" for life.